I recently met a guy named James* at a local event for Christian singles. I thought we really hit it off. He seemed very nice, and we had a great conversation. He was cute, too. But when the event ended and I headed home, I wondered if I’d ever see him again.

The following week some of us who had met at the event got together to play pickleball and eat lunch. To my delight, James was there, and we ended up on the same pickleball team. “You guys complement each other really well on the court,” remarked one of the guys in our group. I couldn’t help but smile when he said it.

After lunch I heard from James nine words I’d never heard before: “Grace, would you mind if I got your number?” Several hours after sharing it, I read seven words I’d never read before: “Would you be interested in grabbing coffee?”

Save the date

When I saw James’ text, I was beyond thrilled. I could finally check “go on a first date” off my bucket list. Plus, I was eager to get to know him better and for him to get to know me better.

I promptly responded to James’ message, and he suggested a specific coffee shop. After we nailed down the details, I gleefully added “date with James” to my calendar. He even texted me the day before our date to confirm.

The next day I met James at the coffee shop. He arrived early, which I appreciated. We took our drinks to a nearby park and sat and talked. As he told me about his family, friends, church, job and hobbies, it felt like he was scooting closer and closer to me on the park bench, which made me even more nervous than I already was. I was still in shock that I was on a real date with a real guy who had really asked me out.

After we parted ways, I overthought the entire date. Though nothing bad had happened per se, nothing good had happened either.

My overthinking led me to a few discoveries about the date — what I had felt and experienced.  I boiled these down to three first date dos and one don’t.

1. Do have low expectations.

I’ve seen countless Hallmark movies, which may have contributed to my extremely high expectations for my first date. I had two specific assumptions about my date with James that turned out to be untrue. First, I assumed he’d pay for my coffee when I arrived, but he didn’t. He didn’t even offer to pay. Second, I assumed he’d be completely enraptured with me, but he wasn’t. Instead, he seemed unfocused and even distant. Both unmet expectations resulted in my feelings being hurt.

I can’t stress how important it is to have low expectations for your first date. While you may have an amazing first date — and I hope you do — it probably won’t be movie-worthy. Before my date with James, I wish I’d remembered there’s no such thing as “perfect” in this life. Everything has flaws, including first dates. But if you go into your first date with low expectations, you’ll avoid feeling disillusioned if something goes majorly wrong. Any missteps (not paying for coffee) will merely be data points to consider; they won’t have the power to destroy your life — or even your day. And if the date goes well, you have the opportunity to be pleasantly surprised.

2. Do chill out.

After James texted to ask me out, I literally couldn’t fall asleep. I was so elated — and anxious — about the situation that I didn’t sleep at all that night. When I went to church the following morning, I looked like a zombie.

Though a first date is a big deal, it’s not worth losing sleep over. When you ask someone out — or are asked out by someone — take time to process how you feel. If you need to write down your thoughts or share them with a friend, go for it, but then give your concerns to God and relax. Instead of putting unnecessary pressure on yourself, the person you’re going on a date with, or the date itself, choose to have peace, knowing God’s plan will come to pass.

 

3. Do be present and engaged.

Honestly, James didn’t seem engaged — or even interested in me — on our first date. I expected him to pepper me with questions and pay me endless compliments. Instead, I listened to him talk about his ex-girlfriend, his obsession with hiking, and his upcoming trip to a rock auction.

There are many ways to show genuine interest in the person you’re on a date with, and bringing up ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends isn’t one of them. Instead, asking thoughtful questions and listening attentively to your date’s answers is a great way to communicate that you value the time they are spending with you. So is offering sincere encouragement and even praise when appropriate.

Putting your phone away demonstrates you’re present. To his credit, James wasn’t glued to his phone during our first date, and I admired that. Constantly pulling out your phone on a date sends a message to the person you’re with: “You’re not important.” It’s probably not the message you intend to send, but it’s the message that’s sent nonetheless. Unless there’s something specific you want to show him or her on your phone, keep it out of sight.

4. Don’t read too much into it.

Several hours after our date, James texted to say he’d enjoyed hanging out with me. I didn’t really believe him. Despite my best attempts to listen well, ask good questions and stay engaged, James seemed distracted at best and disinterested at worst. I was 75 percent sure he wouldn’t ask me out again, which both saddened and frustrated me. To my surprise, however, he did.

If your first date doesn’t go super well, you may be tempted to catastrophize — to assume the person you were with hated every moment and never wants to see you again. But honestly, no one is at his or her best on a first date. Nervousness can significantly affect someone’s behavior and temperament, so don’t be too hard on the person you went out with — and don’t be too hard on yourself.

A final, freeing reminder

The beauty of first dates — and all dates — is that they’re ultimately out of our control. That may sound like a terrifying reality, but it’s surprisingly freeing. God is sovereign over the good dates, the bad dates and the in-between dates. After going out with James a few times, it became clear to me that we are too different. Even though that was a difficult truth to face, I’m thankful God directed my steps.

As you prepare for your first date and then process it afterward, rest in these words from Job: “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.”  While it’s important to put your best foot forward when you date, you’re sometimes going to fall short. Take comfort in the fact that you can’t mess up God’s plan for your life — including His plan for your first date.

*Name has been changed.

Copyright 2025 Grace McCready/ All rights reserved.