At my house, there’s little debate over which actor has best portrayed legendary detective Sherlock Holmes. Under this roof’s majority rule, there’s a clear winner, and it may not be the first name that popped into your head. But if that name is Jeremy Brett, you’d be correct.

This English actor, also known for playing Freddy in the 1964 film version of “My Fair Lady,” reigns supreme over Robert Downey Jr., Henry Cavill, and — gasp! — even Benedict Cumberbatch (Cumberbatch did get one Slater vote.)

Why does Brett, who played Holmes way back in the 1980s, top the list? For the Slater residents who are dedicated readers of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s books, Brett captures Holmes most accurately. And, apparently, the Sherlockians in my house like that sort of thing. I don’t blame them.

You may also be a 221B Baker Street fan, yet you disagree. That’s OK. While we can agree to disagree on who best portrays Scotland Yard’s most valuable consultant, there is one thing we can agree to agree on: Sherlock Holmes is a master of observation. He never misses a clue, no matter how small or subtle. He sees them all, and he responds appropriately.

How does this relate to us, specifically regarding our romantic relationships? Surprisingly, plenty.

Every day we receive what relationship experts Dr. John and Julie Gottman call bids for connection — from the person we are dating, engaged to, or married to. But do you know what often happens? As Sherlock Holmes says, we “see, but [we] do not observe.” In other words, we miss connecting because we fail to notice what the Gottman Institute says are requests for “attention, affection, humor, or support.”

But what could happen if we, like Holmes, became masters of observation? We’d likely stop missing bids, no matter how small or subtle, and start connecting more.

Looking for signs

I’ve been married for 22 years, so you may be surprised to learn that I was late to the Gottmans’ research on bids. It’s only in the last year that I first read about them. But understanding bids has revolutionized my thinking and demanded that I summon my inner consulting detective. If you’re like the twelve-months-ago me and aren’t familiar with the concept of bids, let me unpack what they are.

Simply put, bids are invitations to connect. They can be large or small, nonverbal or verbal. For example, when my husband, Ted, shares with me a stressful work situation that’s keeping him up at night, that’s a larger bid for attention. When he tells a joke or points to a humorously frantic quail family running precariously through our backyard, it’s a smaller bid. When he reaches for my hand as we’re walking side-by-side and hopes I’ll reach back, or he laughs aloud at something he’s read and waits for me to ask about it, those too are bids.

While bids can be direct, they are often more subtle, such as when Ted laughs aloud at something, hoping I’ll ask him about it. Logan Ury from the Gottman Institute explains:

People are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It’s scary to say, “Hey, I want to connect! Pay attention to me!” So instead, we ask a question or tell a story or offer our hand for connection. We hope we’ll receive connection in return, but if not, it’s less scary than pleading, “Connect with me, please!”

This subtlety is precisely why we need to don those metaphorical deerstalker hats and develop keen observation skills. Missing bids weakens the strength of our connection. Plus, when it comes to our significant others, it is — as Mr. Holmes would say — our “business to know what other people do not know.”

A study in turning

OK, now that we have a primer on bids, what’s the best way to respond to one? There are three ways we can respond to a bid. They are turning toward, turning away, and turning against. Let’s take a brief look at each one.

1. Turning toward.

To turn toward is to acknowledge and engage a bid. When Ted tells me about that sleep-stealing, stressful situation at work, he wants me to listen and tell him, “That stinks! I’m sorry you’re experiencing it.” When I do, I’m turning toward him. If Ted says, “Look at that quail family,” and I stop, look, and share the humorous moment, I’ve also turned toward him. Or when your significant other asks you to listen to the song they’ve had on repeat, and you do, you’ve turned toward them.

 2. Turning away.

When we turn away, we miss or ignore a bid. We might be distracted, busy or tired. That is often the case for me. Perhaps I didn’t recognize the “ask” for what it was and my turning away was unintentional. Or it may be that my turning away happened when I chose to prioritize something else over Ted. It happens.

3. Turning against.

If we turn against, we reject a bid with criticism, annoyance, defensiveness or even contempt. Perhaps Ted sighs in frustration over a work challenge and I say with annoyance, “You’re always sighing. What now?” I’ve rejected his bid. I’ve not only missed an opportunity to connect, but I’ve severed connection, and it will need to be repaired.

You don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to ascertain the ideal response. As you’ve probably already deduced, we should do our best to always be “turning toward.”

The game of attention is afoot

What are practical ways you can turn toward your significant other? They all start with paying attention. Here’s the problem, though: We have many different things bidding for our attention. Because of this, we must actively choose to shut out distractions and focus our attention on the person in front of us. Here are a few suggestions on how to do that.

1. Put the phone away.

Smartphones have a lot of good uses. In fact, you may receive a bid for connection via a text or call when you and your significant other are apart. Greg Smalley, vice president of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family, says that many couples “stay connected throughout the day via romantic texts, playful social media posts and random video chats” and that “calling and texting may even make couples happier and more secure in their relationship.”

However, when you are together, your phone will likely distract you and cause you to miss bids. Be careful not to practice what Psychology Today terms phubbing — or phone snubbing. Phubbing happens when we are distracted by our phones during a conversation. We stop turning toward our significant other, forcing them to compete for our attention.

Smalley explains that the smartphone has become a “third wheel” for many couples. As much as possible, put the phone away when you’re spending time together. Focus on your significant other and pay attention so you don’t miss bids.

2. Slow down.

When we are busy, we’re more likely to miss or even turn away from bids. We might be too distracted to look at a quail family or not have time to hold hands. Slow down. If your schedule is so full that you can’t slow down, it’s time to reevaluate your schedule. Perhaps you need to start saying “no” more so you can say “yes” to your significant other.

Not only does slowing down give you more opportunity to pay attention, but Harvard Health Publishing says, “It also can improve your social interactions by teaching you to be more engaged in conversations where you listen more and talk less.” When we are better listeners and less hasty talkers, we start thinking about ourselves less and about our partners more. We become more attuned and attentive to the requests they may be giving us for attention, support and affection.

3. Make a love map.

The concept of a love map also comes from Dr. Gottman. A love map is a mental representation of our detailed understanding of our partner. Gottman writes, “Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world … They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.”

As we observe our significant other and continue to update our love map of them, we’ll be quicker to recognize bids when they come. For example, Ted has learned that when I’m verbally working through a problem, I usually want him to listen and not fix. He knows to turn toward me by giving me his attention, ear and empathy.

Elementary, my dear reader

“Never trust to general impressions, my boy,” Sherlock Holmes says to his friend and colleague, John Watson. He encourages John to instead “concentrate yourself upon details.” When we move past the general and focus on the details, we’ll stop missing bids, no matter how small or subtle, and we’ll start connecting with our significant other more. Perhaps we’ll even become masters of observation worthy of 221B Baker Street.

Copyright 2025 Ashleigh Slater. All rights reserved.